15 October 2015

I think of you often x

This little bunny sits on a shelf in the most vibrant room in our home. The room we spend the most time as a family. He was the first toy I spied in the window of the little family run toy store not far from my home in Melbourne when I first fell pregnant and he was what I imagined the whole nursery to be created around.. A room full of woodland creatures was to be the theme for whoever this little boy or girl was going to be.

I lost that little person a few weeks later.

I didn't allow it to effect me at the time. The statistics that I learnt at the hospital when they confirmed that I was miscarrying told me how common it was and that made me feel surprised and sad that it wasn't something people talked about. It made me determined to hold my head up high and feel comfortable to share that I was among an extremely large group of women to have gone through such disappointment.

My grieving didn't manifest until later. I experienced a handful of panic attacks when we got a puppy a little while later and found it very hard to leave her alone. I also think that my anxieties and tendency to worry ramped up at that point in my life.

As I acknowledged what I was finally going through, months later, I went back to that little toy store and bought the little bunny. It has helped having something tangible to hold whenever a pang of grief comes.

I am grateful for having this experience, without it I wouldn't have my Harry. And I couldn't imagine life without him.